Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
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I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
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Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper