I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
