Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
