I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Randomize
