Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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