I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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