You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
