dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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