I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
