If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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