Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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