If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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