The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
