P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
