please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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