I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
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