I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
