We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
