I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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