At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I could make wine with my vomit
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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