I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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