Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
