I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
