i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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