I'd wear matching sweaters with you
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
