Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
it hurts more in the daytime
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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