I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
