If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
