somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
