a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
