I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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