Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
