a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
