I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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