don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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