you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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