this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
