i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
it's like heaven, but drunker
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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