Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
