Pregnant stripper...not hot.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
