i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
