remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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