Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
