Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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