Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
