She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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