I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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