Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
