so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
