if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
