if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
