Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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