All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
