I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
So. Much. Porn.
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