it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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