Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
