Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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